Week 37: A Week to Die

To describe the last two weeks, I would use two words: wonderful chaos. The last two weeks, I had visitors- first, my family and then friends from college and The Salvation Army. It was wonderful. I love my family so much, and it was so nice to spend a few days with them. Even my niece came. My goodness, she is growing up fast. I can remember being in the hospital waiting to see her for the first time…Now she’s a beautiful little girl, running full force into this crazy world we live in. We went on a Duck Tour (for those of you who would like to come to Boston, it’s one of those things you just have to do), went to some museums, played Apples to Apples (even Riley), and just enjoyed each other’s company. It was great. Then the day my family left, four friends came to visit: Danielle, Nate, Linda, and Tamara. That night the 5 of us, plus another friend Dave went out to eat at this place called “Fat Cat.” I think it was one of my favorite nights in Quincy so far. The place was awesome, and I had amazing friends around me- people who know me in and out and love me anyway. It was as if I could breathe again, and I felt “me” being released. Now, I want to stop here and say that I love Quincy. I love the people that I have met here, and I know that these types of genuine relationships happen over time. I hope that by the time I leave Quincy to head back to Chicago, I will have made these types of friends right here. It’s just not there yet. More about this later…

During my friends’ visit, there were many times I thought to myself. “How did we get here, God?” Danielle, Linda, my friends Colleen and Anita, and then myself were my group of friends in college. We’ve been through so much together, we’ve seen each other’s ugly sides, and experienced many joys in life together. I mean, we’ve truly shared life together. These girls are my sisters. In college, what we knew was constant in life was God and each other. I don’t think that has changed, but we are in such different places today. Danielle is married and finishing up school to be an Optometrist. Colleen who is all the way in Alaska as a nurse, is also married. Anita is in Med school, and she’s currently taking classes in Miami, Florida. Linda just graduated with her Masters in Psychology, is looking for a job, and has been through hell and back. And I’m here in Quincy, MA working for a Salvation Army. Crazy. We are all apart and finding friends where we are at, but we will always be sisters; we’ll always be connected. Sorry, I just had to share my thoughts. Change is one of those things that always throws me off, and it takes me a bit to process through. I guess the answer to the questions I posed at the beginning of this paragraph would simply be “God.” Tamara is a friend of Linda’s from grad school, and I didn’t know her before this trip, but God used her in great ways to speak truth into my life. As my friends headed back to Chicago, I felt at peace. I think it took a few visitors to help me see that I can do this. I can live by myself, I can take on this challenge from God, and I will turn out a better person for it.

This brings me to this week’s goal. This week is called “A Week to Die.” Side note that is related to the topic: I can see how many people view my blog. Thank you all, by the way, for reading. Something I found really interesting was that I had the most readers, by far, during “Identity Week.” I mean, the amount of people who have read that week’s posts is quite incredible, and I started to wonder why. This may sound silly, but we all have something in common: the fact that we go through life, and it’s hard. The end. We all have struggles of some kind, we all have at one point or another wondered about our identity and what that actually was, we all have things inside/outside of us that we wish wasn’t there or was there. I think that this week will be a little like Identity week in the sense that I am digging deep into who I am and then sharing some of that with you.

My best friend Lisa (I wish all of you had a best friend like her) told me about this book called “A Call to Die” by David Nasser. It’s “a 40 day journey of fasting from the world & feasting on God,” and Lisa went through it and said that it was life changing. So I ordered the book, and I decided that I would check it out. When it got here, I picked it up, opened it up, and immediately knew that this guy wasn’t joking around. Right before the book starts with Day 1, it reads: “Lord Jesus, I am responding to the call to die to my selfish desires because I want to really live. I know I cannot do this on my own. I want to know you, love you, and serve you with all my heart. I make this commitment to spend at least an hour each day for the next forty days to read, pray, think, memorize, and respond to your direction. As a symbol of my commitment to you, for the next forty days I will fast from: ________________________________ so that I may have greater focus and have the time to hear from you more clearly.” And then it gives you a place to sign and date.
Everything in that covenant rings true for me. I have crap in my life, sin, that I fall to time and time again, and I hate it because it hurts God. I don’t want it any more. I consistently put other things in front of God in my life which is idolatry. I know I’ve shared this before, but putting food before God is something that I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember, and I seriously want that gluttonous root to be pulled out of me. I’m finding comfort and intimacy through food when I should be finding that in God. I too often fall into temptation, and that’s not leading to a holy life. I confess this to you because I want it brought out into light, but also to let you know that you’re not alone if this is something you’re going through too.

I can’t be ok with this sin, so this week I’m starting this study for 40 days. I’m committing to taking an hour each day to spend with God. I decided to fast from movies/TV and secular music. Since I’ve moved here, I’ve spent a lot of time watching movies and catching up on my favorite TV series on Hulu. I’ve been wasting too much time on this, and I felt God pointing at that when I prayed about what to fast from. Plus, so many movies and TV series are filled with sex and violence which causes big temptations.

So that’s what’s up! For those of you who have my number, I’d appreciate accountability when you think about it. I would REALLY appreciate prayers during this week and the rest of the 40 days. As I feel led, I will update my blog and let you know what God’s showing me and telling me.