Week 10, Day 3 & 4

Let's just say that the "how" circle has been a little difficult for me. I'm not entirely sure why, and maybe some of you guys out there have experienced that too, but it's definitely been a process. In this circle, I put down ways that I go about doing life; the responses, motivations, and patterns in my life. Maybe it was hard because I found some things that just aren't good-things that need to change. I am going to be open and honest here, so here we go:

• putting others before myself...a little too much: Maybe some people would say that this is not possible, but I think it is. I sometimes have this mentality that I can fix everything and can help everyone get back on their feet. This is obviously not true at all. I will do just about anything to help someone, even if it means sacrificing things that mean a lot to me. I think this is good to a degree, but not to the point where I don't ever come first. I'm working on this, rather God is working on this in my life. Again, it's a process.
• I'm a very empathetic person. When some one is going through a hard time, I feel it with that person, and when a person is celebrating in life, I feel it then to. Being empathetic makes it difficult sometimes to watch movies, I must say. Movies like "I Am Sam," "Stepmother," "American Violet," etc. are hard for me to watch because I can't help but put myself in the characters' shoes. This also kind of goes along with the first bullet point. Because I am so empathetic, I will bend over backwards to try and help someone. Most times I see this as a gift. I believe that God has given me a soft heart for a reason.
• sarcasm: My response many times is sarcastic. I really need to think more about this. I'm not sure why I tend to be sarcastic. I know that sometimes when I'm feeling attacked, the sarcasm comes out as a defense mechanism. Most times I just think that's my sense of humor, but I know that it can be taken the wrong way at times.
• I'm my own worst critic. My response when I mess up is to beat myself up. No one can reprimand me more than I will myself. I have no idea how I became this way, but I know this response is not good. I find it hard to forgive myself, and with messing up comes guilt and shame. Last Sunday at Greenhouse where I attended church, the pastor said in his sermon, "Decide not to embrace shame." I need to do that, and I need to remember that when I mess up, those things don't define me. I think that's were I get it messed up.
• I love doing things for other people. Most of you probably know this about me or have experienced it first hand. I love to send notes of encouragement to people, throw parties, send packages, come over with ice cream and a chick flick after a bad break up, etc. The reason I do these things is because I genuinely care about my friends and family. But sometimes I need to keep my motivations in check. The lies that my insecurities will tell me make me think at times that if I don't bend over backwards for people and don't constantly give of myself, that these people won't care about me. I'm not sure how that sounds to you, but I'm being honest. Again, I keep these things in check and I just need to continue to only do things for people through a right motivation.
• Today I had a chat with my friend Mike, and we were discussing my blog. Somehow it was brought up that I struggle with insecurity, and he said that this was surprising to him. Honestly, I was surprised that he was surprised because I thought that they would be clear as day to other people. He then mentioned how I stay busy and I'm always involved so he just didn't think I struggled with it. This points to a huge pattern in my life-busyness. I stay involved and stay busy because otherwise I'd need to let God deal with my issues and that would be painful. I must say that I have gotten a lot better at this. I'm such a people person and I really don't enjoy being alone, but I know that I need to make time to be alone. Also, when change happens and people move on in their lives, I fight the feelings of abandonment-the feelings that this person will move on and leave me behind. Again, those are insecurities and lies. God is currently working on this, and I'm excited to see what He does.

Ok, that's enough. That might be more about me than you ever wanted to know. In that case, be glad that I didn't put everything up that I wrote down! I thought about putting up a few surface level things, but then realized that I'm tired of sugar coating stuff. These are the things about me that are good and bad, things that God has given to me as gifts and things that He needs to work on. We all have these things inside of us. I think that there's power in bringing these things to the light and saying "Hey, God. Here's my stuff. Do with it as you will!" So now that you've read about my stuf, what about yours?